That's it.. drink it off.. atta boy..

So, April 2nd came and went with little drama. Only one person on earth listens to me enough to know why that day matters, and that's because it's her birthday.

April's Bday. Man.. I've spent 1/3rd of my life thinking she'd be my forever. Very few of the blog readers will remember what things used to be like, but some of you will. Man.. she was my everything, and I was actually a happy person back then. My new friends wouldn't even recognize me. I didn't drink, I was a virgin.. I needed nothing more than to just hold her on the couch and play with little Jacksy.

I didn't bring it up to anyone. I just internalized it and came home after work. I figured crying it off alone would help. It didn't.

Ryan's got this girlfriend now. Even he doesn't have time for me. I've kept his ass alive and let him completely ruin my life and credit for the last 7 years.. Given my car and every spare second to make sure that he got to his meetings and everything he needed. Now he's on his feet and nowhere to be found. Awesome.

Friday night I went to Lumpy's with Karis. He's a cool guy, has incredible confidence and it was good to try to feed off it. First time you hang out with a guy you never really know how things will go. He was a perfect wingman and a good time. He didn't drink which I respected, but didn't follow suit. I got way too trashed to drive.
About the time I was losing my ability to make logical decisions.. KimberLee started texting me and asked me to come to Keys on Main. I of course went straight over. I put some requirements on me coming, such as showing me attention and making me feel like I was important. She agreed to do her best.

I get there and things were cool. She has a really hot little asian friend named Lily who was there and is way fun. Kim's cousin was there too. KimberLee came to sit on my lap and show me attention and the second she sat down.. I got a premonition.

Let me clarify by saying that these happen often. Almost daily. I will things to be. Sometimes I'll just start thinking something is true and it becomes true. It's kind of like "The Secret" but deeper.
I just knew that she had been texting her ex, Spencer, who has been out of the picture for a month or so.

I called her out on it and she denied it, but I couldn't let it go. I could see the texts in my mind clear as day. I could see texts to my friend Jeff and I wasn't happy about them either.. but the texts to Spencer were enough to make me leave.

I just wanted her to admit to it, she wouldn't. I closed my tab and asked Ryan to come get me. I got home about 1AM and KimberLee started texting me. She admitted to the texts, word for word what I had imagined. She told me that her and Spencer had been done but that things happened recently and that now things were complicated again.
I also asked her about Jeff. She said that Jeff and I were both her friends, neither of us meant more or less than the other one. That was the deal breaker for me and I haven't talked to her since. I feel okay about it, for the first time.

Didn't get to sleep til after 3am. Went to work at 7 and worked til 4. Man.. Work is such a release for me. I wish I would have watched Conference(Interesting story) but I worked instead.
After work I went to Will's house. It's an amazing house. I'd really like to buy it. It's like a blog from my Dad's house and has an amazing layout. I'm definitely going to look into buying it.

Had some potential dates tonight but nothing came through. Thought I was going to see Leona, a girl I went to high school with and have been in and out of contact with since.. but she bailed on me at the last minute. I ended up going to Lumpy's by myself. It was a decent night, tons and tons of girls. I made 19 attempts to generate conversations. Some were shot down immediately and some ended up being long conversations. Nothing turned into dances, drinks or phone numbers, but it passed the night. My confidence has never been lower, so getting back out there by myself and making an attempt was a huge deal for me. I really hoped one of the 50+ girls in my phone would have texted me and made an attempt to make my night better. The few that did text me just added more stress.
I probably shouldn't have drove home, but I got sick of waiting for P to respond to my texts and just left. I got almost home when This Song came on and basically paralyzed me. The line when he says "that year I lost my dad" immediately made me start bawling. I ended up pulling over on the freeway. I think I probably cried myself sober.

I'm really not ready to lose my dad, or mom for that matter. My mom has been sick for 7 years and I the first thing I think of every morning is calling her to make sure that she's still ok. 27 year olds shouldn't worry about this kind of stuff.

I work again tomorrow, then I start my new shift of noon to midnight on Monday. I really hope that I can get into it, and let it consume the other parts of my life for a while.

Weekend tally: $75 at bar, 1 potential girlfriend lost, 2 extra workshifts, 1.8 breakdowns. I'll take it, considering the potential was much higher.

These lyrics put my last 6 months on paper in a way I never could.

When I was 17, I used to dominate this guy in football. I blew my ankle apart and thought I fell in love, he stayed motivated, makes millions of dollars and is fucking this:
Each new day can change everything. Here's to tomorrow!