can't you see....

It's not me you're dying for..

ya. that's where i am.
it's 11:15 and if I thought I could call anyone in the world to make my feel better I would. My parents are asleep, and the rest of the world doesn't care.

I thought she cared. Honestly. She went out of her way. the most mainstream beautiful girl to ever pay attention to me.. I mean, given every girl in the world on looks alone I'd still take Kayla, but she's not an option. Tasha is next though. Damn she looked amazing tonight. and she showed up at my house alone. Second time we've hung out together and she's coming alone, without Robyn. This should have been a sign that she cared. that it didn't matter who came she was coming. I put together an amazing dinner and went out of my way to make it happen.

I kept the pasta fresh through previously undiscovered ways. I'm going to be an amazing chef someday. Tasha showed up then left to go buy pain pills because she doesn't have insurance and her knee is messed up. She was an hour late for dinner, and pasta doesn't stay edible that long. Somehow I pulled it off.
Ya.. I've been putting aside the fact that she smokes cigarettes, and does Loritabs. Man... Jacksy wouldn't be impressed. My 8 year old brother would slap the shit out of me for caring about this. He'd be blown away that I'm letting a girl decide how the future ruler of the world feels.

But you know what? I sure hope he never feels this, and I hope that when he reads this someday it'll be a lesson to him that no one honestly gives a fuck. All he'll have when he dies is whatever he can grab as he goes out. I'm guessing when I really go out, it'll be killing a bunch of people, in a bus or a museum or something. I always wanted to go out in a blaze of glory. Danny and I once planned how we could shoot up our high school and get away with it, not that we'd really do it.. we were just checking the logistics of pulling it off. Now here I am. 3 hours from my high school, even more detached from my friends and family.. and even more lonely.
At some point Tasha casually mentioned that she's been dating this guy and he doesn't want to be with her. I don't know why I didn't see that coming. Why wouldn't she be dating some guy? It just really hit me wrong.

Don't hold me up now, I can stand my own ground. Even Ryan and Taisha left. Tasha went home to her boyfriend I didn't know existed. KimberLee still cares more about whatever she's waiting for than me. Panface never even replies, April and Kayla are married.. and Cyndi will always be just outside my grasp.

The best part of all of this.. is that no one here even knew. I didn't freak out. As my mind melted down I didn't show it.